


Danny has a Black Kink

by ZChan



Category: Danny Phantom
Genre: Bad Humor, Comedy, Confessions, Dash is gay, Gen, Love, M/M, Original Character(s), Parody, Spiderman refrences, Values, elaborate storyline, friendships, incredible character development, many plot twists
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-07-11
Updated: 2017-01-15
Packaged: 2018-07-23 01:18:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,575
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7460946
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ZChan/pseuds/ZChan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>If Danny Phantom was on Adult Swim, and Dash was gay and the main character, this is what will happen.</p><p>For the sake of making this an adult swim worthy story, making fun of this show, and for a lack of personality traits from other characters that are important here (especially Kwan who doesn't even get a last name), most characters will have characteristics that were not there before. I hope you are still able to enjoy.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Pre-Winter Evening's Valentine's Ball

Of course the red construction paper was in the shape of a heart, something cliché and seen millions of times. And of course it was written in black, illegible ink not even one of the most skilled decoders could decipher. It was one of the most cheesiest confessions known to mankind, but it would get the job done: to tell his crush something very personal on this specific day.

Valentine's Day.

A time for teeanagers to censor their hormonal urges and compensate that with romance. A time to take this day and turn it into an adventurous, whimsical, and overly difficult confession for a main character.

And that main character was Dash Baxter.

He stared at his Valentine's day card which held a confession he concealed for about 2 years, building up the courage to walk right over to the person he needed to talk to, look at ‘em straight in the eye, say it like it is, and--

“Sup, Dash—?”

“NOT TO FENTON!” He shoved the note into his blue locker and slammed it shut, giving Kwan one of his most not-so-sincere smiles as his best friend stood there confused. He chuckled off his nerves and tried to relax and look like he wasn't hiding a cheesy valentines day card made for his gay crush on Danny. _Confessions are for queers!_ he thought to himself. _Who needs that when you got good ‘ol righty to clean your clarinet everyday?_

Deciding to ignore how suspicious his friend was being, Kwan said, “Oookay. I just wanted to ask if you're still going to the Pri-Winter Evening's Valentines Ball at Casper High.”

Dash made sure to draw his body away from his locker as he continued. “C _ourse_ I am! Why wouldn't I go? It's the **thing** and I'm the _guy_ to go to the **thing** , I mean I _**have**_ to go! It's, you know, the **thing**. And I'm, well, the _guy._ The _guy_ going to the **thing** has to **_go_**.”

Kwan knew when he talked like a rambling idiot who emphasized specific words one too many times to get the job done, Dash was hiding something. Maybe something in his locker that supposedly wasn't going to Fenton. At the thought, he raised an eyebrow. “Who you goanna ask?”

“To what?”

“To the ball...?”

“Oh yeah. _That_. The _guy_ going to the **thing** he has to **_go_** to has to hav'a **_DATE_** , right?”

“Dash.”

“Of course, _Paulina_ , I mean, _who_ **_else_ **? She the perfect....female.”

“Right...” He rolled his eyes to the ceiling and took a not-so casual step towards Dash's locker, “Soooo,” he gave a creepy rapist grin at the door to forbidden truth, “What's in the locker, Dash?”

 _He's on to me_. Dark circles developed around Dash's eyelids as Kwan stared into the other’s soul. “Books and supplies to help enhance my educational experience...”

“Is there something else in there...?”

“Not that I am aware of...”

Kwan also knew that when Dash spoke in proper English, he was freaking out. Whatever was in there must be _that_ secretive if he hasn't told him by _now. Probably_ something personally discriminating. As a jock, it is Kwan's priority to know this discriminating information to gossip to other people who may or may not ridicule him for it when Dash is not popular anymore, otherwise, it would be an insult to the practice of bullying. So he pushed. “I think there is something else in your locker.”

“You thought wrong.”

“I feel like I thought right.”

“And I feel like that's a personal problem."

“The fuck's in there?”

“Your mom's number and G-string.”

Kwan rushed towards the handle and tried to tug it open, fighting against Dash's pulls and tugs. By the time Kwan got it open, Dash hooked two fingers into the other's mouth and yanked his jaw downward, causing them to plummet towards the hard floor. The locker was dark and filled with many books that collected cobwebs in their spare time. The red heart shaped card seemed to glow a bright red like an optional side quest. Outside it was a crowd of teenagers gathering to watch two jocks fight and do absolutely nothing to stop them. A passerby walked by the dark and cluttered locker, judging her peers for taking entertainment in violence while doing nothing about it (mostly because she didn't care for the people fighting each other). Noticing the open locker, she decided to peer into it. In awe, she also deciding to pick up the red card and read it. She gasped and chuckled, knowing she immediately had to let her best friend know about this. As she skipped out of the way of the boys, Kwan managed to wrestle out of Dash's objections and peer into the freaking locker like he was Sherlock-flucking-Holmes, feeling greatly disappointed at what he found. “Nani the fuck is this burr shittaru? There's just books in here,” he said spitting out a tooth.

Dash stood up like Dracula out of his coffin before turning his head to the locker with wide eyes. He shoved his friends head to the side and looked into it desperately. “What do you mean there's just books?” Twisting towards the crowd, he gave them a glare. “WHICH ONE OF YOU NERDS STOLE FROM THIS LOCKER?!?”

They all pointed to their right.

He saw a blob of black in the distance and instantly knew he was fucked as the gothic freak skipped merrily over to the last person he wanted to see that card.

As Kwan loled where he stood, Dash rushed over to them using the highest potential of his quarterback skills.

Somewhere far beyond the area, in the science room, a kid pushed the button to his science project. It was a prototype to his 'slow motion machine'. Now things can go in slow motion at any moment he felt fit.

Dash could feel his heart trying to beat itself out of his chest as he ran. The gothic freak waved to her friends: the other freak nerd and Dash's new friend, Danny, whose company he cherished for the last 3 months, were grinning obliviously. When his shoes took another step, the soles made the floor squeak and it echoed throughout the halls. He felt the power of his footstep bang the bottom of his feet, but for a good cause. Another squeaky step later, he saw the goth freak talk to Danny while holding up a red card. It's scratchy texture and crimson tone was something Dash could recognize blind, and he felt that he was about to connect that specific color to the most terrible time in his life. Sam handed the card to Danny, who looked curious and excited like a giddy kid who found a fancy rock. Danny was about to open the door to forbidden truth and ruin everything Dash built up until now.

“ _Nooooooooooo_!”

The kid was finally able to reach the button and push it again. Time resumes.

“—but I don't know who it's from.” Sam said.

Dash's abrupt stop make his soles sound like tire tracks freezing on pavement. He was just about 2 feet away from the friendship circle he's come to dislike 2/3rdly.

As Danny read, he said. “You don't?”

“Not really. I don't really care either, but at least you get some interesting news.”

“Huh.” He closed the heart and looked upwards. “Well, her penmanship has a lot to be desired, but she sounds nice. So you just found this in some random locker?”

“Yeah.”

“Sam, that's not cool. This is a very personal matter! We gotta put it back.”

“I guess.”

“Come on.” The group started walking and walked past the sweating, heart thumping Dash like he was a brick wall. “Where'd you get it?”

“One of those lockers over there.”

Tucker commented, “Hey, doesn't one of those lockers belong to one of the cool guys—?”

Dash tackled Tucker to the ground before anyone could think about it and snatched off his cap to put it on his own head. “I'm taking your hat!”

“Why—?”

“ _I'm taking your hat, Tucker_!”

“Dash?”

Dash peered up at Danny innocently. Then he quickly nuggied Tucker's head as a save. “Danny.” With Tucker's head still under his arm, he stood up on his feet. Tucker struggled under his grip. “Noogie, buddies! Yeah!” When he was done trying to impress Danny, he shoved Tucker away like a sack of garbage. “Whatever. Hey, what's up?” He nonchalantly looked at the other one. “Sam.”

“Your OTP is trash,” she said in a monotone voice.

“See you have a card there.” He said as Tucker attempted to get his hat back by jumping for it. “What's it for?”

“It's a girl asking me out to the Pri-Winter Evening's Valentines Ball at Casper High. She didn't put her name on it, though. Sam took it out of her locker, and I'm going to put it back.”

Tucker commented, “You know, I _swear_ one of those lockers belongs to the popular kids, especially that open one Kwan's by—”

Dash snatched off Tucker's glasses.

“Hey—!”

“I will BURN ALL THE KITTENS YOU WILL EVER OWN!”

Tucker coward away and Dash puts on Tucker's glasses.

“You can go blind like that—”

“ _ALL_ of them!” He didn't notice Danny and Sam walk pass them, but he hurried to their level when he did. He wrapped a big arm around both of them and tucked his head between them.

“You should give Tucker his stuff back,” said Sam before she was interrupted.

“Yo, Fenton, why not find out who this girl is instead?”

“Find her out?” Danny considered this while looking at the school bell and stopping on his tracks. “I don't know. This is kind of personal—”

“But think about it. There's a shy little girl out there who wants nothing more than to confess her love to her long lived crush, but the burden that is her fear suppresses her desires and she hides in the shadows in silence, waiting for her prince charming to just say...'hello'.”

Sam said, “Careful, Dash. You don’t want to fill up your vocabulary quota so soon.”

While walking up to them, Tucker asked, “Can I at least have my glasses back—?” as he accidentally slammed his face to a column “—I can't see very well—” then to a door abruptly opening “—without them—” then into a nearby trash bin being pushed to the dumpster out back.

Sam sighed and went to go get him.

“So what do you say?”

Danny looked at the card, thinking about how awful it must be to be a shy girl scared out of her wits just to tell her true love how she feels. How long did she feel this way? It must have been such a weight on her shoulders. Maybe letting her know that it was alright to have these feelings would make this confusing journey we all ride together just a little bit easier. “I'd say that sounds like a good idea!.”

 _Phase one complete._ Dash's plan was to keep Danny away from his locker at all cost. Then once he completely averts his sense of direction, at the moment it seems most hopeless, Dash will swipe the card away from Danny and be all 'shucks, guys, I don't think we can find'er. Aw well, guess I'll jus' put dis back wer' ya found et for ya! Imma cowboy! Yeehaw yeehaw!'. As Dash evilly 'hehehe'd to himself, Danny pondered over the steps and obstacles to solving the mystery.

“But how are we going to find her?"

"Her handwriting! It'll be like a Cinderella story, but with pens!"

"But how? There aren't a lot of things she can write on I can look into legally.”

“Except there is!” He wrapped an arm around Danny. “There's pledges all around school! Signatures from the Library to note you're present! Sign up sheets on the bill board! There's a whole lot of things we could check penmanship for!”

“I guess that's interesting,” said a confused, black haired teenaged boy in a white shirt that was not Danny. Danny clapped his hands twice to get Dash's attention back to the right person.

“It’s a good place to start at least.” Danny smiled at that idea, and looked at the sky inspiring while Dash crouched into the shade and snickered. Luckily for Dash, he didn't participate in any of these activities besides marking that he's present for football practice. He snickered to himself as his wonderful plan was coming in order. Then Danny continued, “We should check the cheerleader sign up sheets first, you know the one next to the football team's.” Danny skipped merrily to the gym.

Dash snapped back into focus and shouts, “Danny wait—!” as he accidentally slammed his face to a collum.

“Wow these glasses sure make it—” Then to an abruptly opening door.

“—rough seeing two feet ahead a'ya—” Then into a near by trash bin being sent to the dumpster out back.

Danny sighed and went to go get him.

* * *

The sign up sheet was on a billboard right besides to door to the gym. It was as long as approximate 15 inches was, and already had over dozens of names scribbled on there. Right next to it was a football sign up sheet that was twice as long and had twice the amount of names. Dash's John Hancock of a signature took up about three lines and was more obvious than a floating head in a business office. One could tell right away just from that horrible excuse for an A on both his names, that the hand wiring matched the card. But only one who would pay attention to that section, unlike Danny and Friends, would notice.

“Why a cheerleader?” asked Sam while they were in front on the signup sheet.

“Dash's poetic monologue got me thinking; what if she's so nervous because this is a _forbidden_ love?”

 _You don't know how on point you are,_ thought Dash as he plucked a banana peel out of his hair and let the situational irony cut into his soul. “How?”

“A lovestruck cheerleader having to choose between her reputation and her undying love for the geek next door, Daniel Fenton, would be the _perfect_ set up of a forbidden love story!”

“Who do you think you are,” Sam asked sarcastically, “Peter Parker?”

“Well Dash is Flash Thompson knock off, so the possibility is up for debate.”

This might not have been the first place Dash was considering, and could arguably be the last, but it wasn’t a big deal. As long as Danny has no reason to check the signatures for the football team—

“How forbidden can you go?” Asked an ambiguous voice.

The team turned to the Asian figure coolly leaning by the billboard. I think he's Asian. I don't know actually. Did he ever say so?

“Kwan?” Danny said

He's been standing there for almost 20 minutes waiting for them to come down. Then he waited longer for the right time to say something. He’s surprised no one noticed him until now. He stood there as clear as day. “That's the name, don't wear it out.”

“What do you mean?”

Kwan wiped his hair back and walked over to Danny to put an arm over his shoulder. “I'm saying can you go as deep as assuming that this person might be...another _boy_?” he grinned at his sweating friend for effect.

Danny considered this and felt guilty and insensitive. “I never thought of that.”

“I'd bet! I mean, hell, I'd surely stay quiet about it if the boy I liked found out about me.” He smiled harder at his friend as the other glared at him with a passionate intent to burn a hole into Kwan's head. "I'd use hetero-normality to my advantage too if I wanted to stay be ambiguous. It's the perfect camouflage."

Feeling terrible about the idea that this might be a boy, Danny held the heart to his.  _He must be stressed out of his mind!_ He thought. And here he was about to search two and fro for a woman when a man still stands. If be a boy, Danny needed to let him know that he's thoughts and feelings were perfectly okay and Danny doesn't mind at all! "Thanks for bringing the idea up."

“You know me, Imma sucker for romance, or at least I was given that trait since I don’t have any—” He was interrupted by Dash pulling Kwan into a near by bathroom and slamming him into one of the urinals by the collar.

Dash, with red eyes, glared at his friend. “What are doing?!?” Dash hissed.

“I loss my tooth for this card. It _will_ fulfill it's purpose.”

“Why are you ruining this for me!?!”

“I'm not ruining anything. Danny just said he's cool with it. So with that out of the way, the worst that can happen is that he says no. Ask him to the ball!”

“NO! I can't ask Danny to the ball!"

"Why not?"

He loosened his grip on his friend and looked at the floor, embarrassed. "We're...he's finally _talking_ to me, we hang out after school, I can say _hi_ him down the hallways! We're friends now. I don't want to mess this up—!”

“Then why'd you make the card if you weren't going to bother?”

Silence.

“Give me your right shoe.”

“Why?”

“I want your right shoe, Kwan!”

“Why the right one? What's your beef with the left one—?”

Instead of answering he wrested his friend to the floor.

* * *

Danny’s friend’s huddled around the cheerleading and football sign in sheet. Sam and Danny were only seeing beautifully crafted hand writing on their side while Tucker stared at blurry lines wondering how he ended up in this situation. A subconscious gender expectation to penmanship was developing more than an answer to the mysterious person, so Sam gave up. “It doesn't look like any of these girls match this handwriting.”

Danny agreed. “What's your status on the football team, Tucker?”

“I don't know why you put me here when I still don't have my glasses.” He scratched his naked head and rubbed his naked eyes.

“Oh yeah. I guess I'll check myself—”

“WAIT, DANNY!” As fast as lightning, Dash ran over to him and held his shoulders in his hands tightly. Looking at him with a glare of concern, he said, “I don't think it's a good idea to check the football team attendance sheet.”

“I wasn't planning to.” Said a black haired teen in a duller white shirt than Danny's that wasn't Danny. Behind Dash, Danny clapped his hands twice to get his attention back.

“Why do you have a shoe in your pocket?”

“That's not important right now.” He stuffed the shoe deeper into his pocket to make sure it didn’t fall out. “You're not approaching this logically. Why would he join a sport?”

“I don't know. He might be interested in one I guess.”

“But think about it. Almost everyday, he has to take a shower with a bunch of other dudes. Some funky things are going to happen to his body sometimes. And he knows that if those funky things are happening on a day to day basis, someone somewhere gonna be asking some questions he don't want to answer. I’m not living his life, but if I were him, I wouldn’t surround myself with dicks if I were trying to hide my sexuality. You see what I'm sayin?”

Sam and Tucker refrained from saying how bull shitted that sounded and decided to let Danny school this fool.

“You know what, that make sense.”

Sam and Tucker slapped their foreheads.

“BULL SHIT!” Said a beaten up Kwan crawling out of the bathroom. He spit out a tooth.

“On to the next sheet then!” He pushed Danny away from the attention of the sign in sheet leaving dust behind from Danny’s soles scratching the floor.

Tucker and Sam walked over to Kwan who was catching his breath after an extreme fight over a shoe.

“It’s him, isn’t it?” Sam asked.

Kwan confirmed it.

“Do you think we should tell Danny or study the potential power of Dash’s dumbassery?”

“The latter sounds more fun.” Tucker hooked his shoulder onto Sam’s and marched on towards the party.


	2. Dash is Being a Pussy

The students went around the school to many places where there's a free sheet for students to find. Dash being apart of no other club or organization in Casper High, his signature was nowhere to be found. After school, they gathered around Amity Park to sit on the bench and think, coming to no conclusion. Danny was losing hope, Dash was feeling less stressed, and Sam, Tucker, and Kwan were getting less and less entertained. Danny looked at the last signature on the last piece of paper from the last organization they’re allowed to search through, and let the other sheets flutter back in place after realizing it wasn’t a match. Then he threw them behind him. “Shoot.”

Dash clapped his hands and stood up, taking a big step over to Danny’s spot and eyeing the hearted card carefully. “Shucks guys--”

“You know what else we can do?” Kwan interrupted before Dash could wrap this escapade up. “We can ask around. The first one to get a guilty look on their face was definitely the culprit!”

Dash was ready to slap a bitch. “That’s stupid! You think asking around randomly is going to get us anywhere?”

“I think it’ll work. For instance,” Kwan got really close to his face, dark circles surrounding his eyes as he glared into Dash’s darkest secrets. “ _Did_ you _write the card?_ ”

He started sweating bullets and looking every which way except the interrogator's eyes so they never tell he’s lying. “Uh….No….”

Kwan widened his eyes with the intent to read his mind, getting deeper and deeper into the other’s personal space, his blackest, harshest secrets, his world in a past life, everything and anything that only Dash could hold dear.

Nerves reacted in ways Dash couldn’t comprehend or felt comfortable feeling. He couldn’t take it anymore. It was too much! “ **_FINE, I_ ** \--!”

Then he finally backed off, chuckling. “See, it’s a great plan.”

The oblivious jackass said, “But Dash is right. We can’t pick people off of random. That wastes too much time. We have to think logically and narrow down our options.”

“How about Dash and people like Dash?”

“That’s nice, Kwan. Now let’s see. Based on the description of their love for me, it would have to be someone that knows me long enough to like me, like a middle school classmate for instance. Would have to keep themselves anonymous because they’re so nervous about talking to me personally, and that would be because they’re worried that a lax guy like me wouldn’t like them anymore because of their feelings, or maybe their reputation is in danger--keeping an open-minded approach to this. Hides in the social hierarchy like a ninja, so much that they would literally be the last person I’d expect. Not bringing too much attention, but also not bringing so little….” After thinking about it for a moment, he finally realized it.

No wonder the signatures didn’t match anywhere! The boy who wrote this letter knew he’ll never find them with the tactic he used. Who would have thunk that the culprit was right under his nose the whole time, looking for a stolen item with the victim. He played Danny like a flute, but he hit the wrong note. Of course it had to be “Tucker!”

Tucker blinked and looked around for the voice. “Hmm?”

“It was _you_ was it?”

It took a moment, but Tucker eventually gave the “Dafuq?” look.

“Don’t play dumb with me.”

“Danny, what are you talking about? My locker’s nowhere near where Sam picked it up, and you know that.”

“I _do_ know that! Which was all part of the plan. A plan Sam and Kwan were in on!”

Tucker was about to rebuttle, but Sam had her hand on his chest, shaking her head.

“It all went down like this….”

\----

Tucker made the card with his right hand so I couldn’t recognize the handwriting, which explains this sorry excuse for chicken scratch. After Tucker made the card, he asked Kwan to put it somewhere near his locker for Sam to pick up later. After Sam picked it up, she would show it to me, and then I would realize that someone out there has those feelings to tell me later.

But then Dash got in the way of your plans, suggesting that we go find the culprit anyway. You, Sam, and Kwan decided to help, but you did it as much as possible so you guys didn’t draw attention to yourself. In fact, with the tactic you used, Dash looked the most suspicious between all of you, but you're innocent mask just got pulled down by Daniel Fenton. Tucker Fully wrote this card!

\---

“And just to let you know, nothing’s going to change between us. I’d be more than happy to send you a dick pic if it helps you manage <3.”

As sarcastically sweet as that offer was, Tucker just couldn’t accept it. “Danny, you’re my best friend. I know that you’d be there for me even if I killed someone. Unlike Sam, I know I could talk to you if I ever had a crush on you and still know you’d support me all the way, even if we’re kids from the 90’s. I would tell you face to face, but there’s nothing to say to you.”

Kwan added, “And I wouldn’t help this loser with today’s date.”

“And there’s no good reason to go through all that work just to give you a card anonymously. What kind of idiot plans to make a confession just to make sure the person that’s supposed to read it doesn’t find out he wrote it?”

Dash’s sweating intensifies.

After sighing, Danny apologized to Tucker for accusing him of the card. “Well there goes our only option.”

“Hey!” Sam, the ignored love interest, interrupted. “What about me?”

“It _can’t_ be you.”

“Why not? I can blend into school society and be nervous about telling you.”

“Exactly. You fit the description so perfectly that the chances of it being you are 1/1000 since the plot would end immediately if the culprit was _that_ obvious. Besides, you’re my best friend. You would have told me by now if you did it.”

She grunted while crossing her arms. “Yeah, I would’ve…..”

“Don’t lose hope, Danny. We still have Dash.” Kwan patted his angry friend’s shoulder.

“That’s nice, Kwan.” While Danny thought hard about this, his friends could finally picture why he was failing algebra. “Gee, I sure wish that--”

“YOU WISH _WHAT_?” Desiree, the genie ghost emerged from a green cloud with a creepy, over exaggerated smile on her face that was ready to have a good time.

“No.”

“I HEARD _WISH_ \--!”

“ _No!_ ”

“Come on, YOU KNOW YOU WANT A _WISH_ \--!”

“ _Fuck off!_ ”

“Fine!” With a grim look, she floats away to find some other sucker to cast wishes on instead. “You’re so mean.”

Danny and friends went back to nonchalantly thinking while Dash and Kwan stood there flabbergasted.

“So we’re not going to talk about the ghost of Shimmer and Shine’s mother?” Kwan shouts.

The group stared at them confused, as if _they’re_ out of cultural standards, then remembered that Dash and Kwan were normal people. “Oh! Sorry guys. So that was Desiree.”

“Uh-huh.”

“She’s a genie ghost and every time you wish for something, things go to worse shit than Timmy Turner’s wishes.”

“Errm,” Sam disagreed. “I don’t know about turning it up _that_ notch. I mean, the kid can make saving the environment go to shit. And World Hunger. And World Peace. Desiree _takes notes_.”

Danny agreed. His technical brother-from-another-mother is the cause for the apocalypse, and made it so that no one noticed it happened.

Scary fellow.

“Now that I think about it, she’s probably going to do something awful if we let her go. Do you want to come ghost hunting with us, Dash, Kwan?”

“No thanks," Dash said standing up. "We’ll be shitting bricks for miles. But I’m more than happy to hold that card for you and make sure it doesn’t get destroyed.”

“Good idea.” Danny handed him the card while Dash repressed his inner fan girl over it. Then Danny walked away with his friend behind a tree, activated his magical boy powers, and flew to the moon with his friends in hand.  

Dash did a dance with the card in hand, clapping to the beat to _Celebrate Good Times_ that suddenly started playing. He was so distracted that Kwan was able to snatch the heart away from him and put it in his pocket. He begged Kwan in incomprehensible whimpers to give the card back, but Kwan refused.

“Dude, stop being a dick.”

“Come on, man! I’m not ready!”

“Then why did you make the card in the first place?”

A thick, green laser barely grazed the sleeve on Dash’s jacket, creating an ear splitting, harsh screech from it’s power.

“I made it just in case I _will be_ ready. I was going to leave it in my locker until I could go tell him. I thought it was going to be today but...”

“Then _when?_   When are you going to tell him?”

“Dude, I don’t know! Tomorrow?”

A tree was tackled down by the lack of support it’s trunk had, which was burned down to a crisp ash from a green flame that spread its territory in the forest at a fast rate.

“Yeah. You go ahead and tell yourself you’re going to do it tomorrow. Go tell yourself that until the day we graduate from high school, college, the day you get your cover up girlfriend, the day you get your first job and first house, the day she gets pregnant and the day she gets pregnant again. And 15 years into your dead end job with your beard for a wife and your kids, you’ll finally realize that you’ll never see Danny again and there will be no ‘tomorrow’. From there, you’ll have to spend the rest of your life wondering, ‘what if’.”

“Kwan, what the fuck? You’re 15.”

“The point is that you can’t keep living in fear of the word 'no'. You miss all the chances you don't take.” Kwan handed Dash the card and tenderly held the objects in place. “Go tell him. Find out ‘what if’ now.”

Dash looked at the card which held his heart and soul into a few poorly written words. Thinking over what Kwan said, he couldn’t stand the thought that he never gave telling him how he feels a try. One of the reason’s he liked Danny was because he was so nice and pure hearted, warm and understanding; it was an _insult_ to expect the worst out of telling him the truth. “Fine.”

He patted his friend's chest and pushed him forward to his destiny. He’d never felt so proud. "Good luck, buddy."

“Where is he again?”

“Wish upon my **dick** _, BEYOTCH!_ ” Danny chugged his thermostat to the ground like a football and slides into screen on his knees with his hands in the air. “UNDEFEATED!!!!”

“Danny.”

“Sup, Dash?” He picked up his vibrating thermostat and hooked it on his pants.

“I have to tell you something. Something I should have told you a while ago.”

“Yeah, but before that, I want to tell _you_ something.”

“But--”

“I really appreciate you, Dash. I know we got out on a rough start--well, it's mostly your fault not mine--but I’m really happy that you were willing to make a friendship between us. Getting to know you these past few weeks, I see that you make a really good friend.”

“Friend?”

“Yeah. No more no less. I care about you, I believe in you, and I _trust_ you most of all. I just know you’d be willing to tell me anything like I do for you. I’d just be so upset if that was a ruse, but I just know that we can believe in each other.”

“Uh-huh...”

“I hope this strictly platonic relationship continues for years to come, like, I don’t want _anything_ to ruin what’s going on between us. I’d be so sad if something made us awkward in any way.”

“Yeah…”

“And when I get older with my wife and kids--and I know it’s too early to come to this decision but...I want _you_ to be their godfather.”

“WOW.” Tucker said in the background.

“That’s all I wanted to say. So what was it you wanted to tell me?”

You know something, Dash never sat down and looked into Danny’s eyes before. They look so innocent, like that world had nothing but good things to offer if you just gave it a chance.

“I wanted to tell you that the darn card fell into this conveniently placed fire,” he said as he threw the card into the green fire. “I guess that's that then.”

“Aw. That’s a shame. Thank you for telling me the truth, Dash. I know that must’ve been hard for you.”

“Yeah...”

“ _LILBECH SAYSWAT?_ ”

Dash turned his attention to whoever made that noise. “What?”

“Well it’s a shame that we don’t have the original copy, but at least we have a digital jpeg file on my phone!” He pulled out whatever is the latest version of a phone for today and showed Dash a picture of the card. “I don’t know when we took this picture or when I got this phone, but it works so, yeah.”

“Oh, fuck....yeah!”

“I guess we have no choice but to ask around randomly. It sure isn’t anyone between us based off of logic. I mean, it could be _you,_ but you’d tell me wouldn’t you?”

“Sure would.”

"And I know that for a  _fact, **bro**_ _!_ "

"You're too kind....."

“ _CAHKSUKER SAYSWAT?”_

Angrily, he looked to Kwan's direction again as the other chuckled in the distance. “ _Kwan, what are you saying?_ ”

Danny suggested, "Let's go to a community hang out facility to start looking. Like the Nasty Burger!"


	3. Masters

Dash sat on a table in the Nasty Burger while his friends went on a useless search for the (wo)man behind the letter. He drank his milkshake sadly while looking out at the night sky with watery eyes. After gulping his liquified ice cream, he whimpered to nothing wondering what he should do about the pickle he found himself in and noting how horrible this situation was. He wished he had the desire to die.

Then he heard a noise next to him. It was the sound of the sounds he was making except it had a few more decades of experience. He looked to his left and saw a white haired man drinking a cranberry smoothie while looking towards the sky like a kicked puppy.

“What’s the matter with you geezer?” He asked him.

“I’m in love, but the person I’m in love with doesn’t love me back.”

“Same.”

The old man looked towards his direction. “Really?”

“Yeah. And I want to tell them how I feel, but I’m scared that if I do I’m going to lose them as a friend.”

“At least you’re both friends. The person I like hates my guts to no end.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. I can only get to her and her family through her husband. If I wasn’t so rich, she’d probably have a restraining order done on me.”

“I’m sorry to hear that. She's obviously missing out on a charming fella like you.”

“I’m sorry to hear about your situation too. But you seem so nice; I can’t imagine why she would reject you.”

“Well, I used to bully them a lot when we were freshman. It’s a miracle I got this far in our relationship.”

“We all make mistakes when we’re young. You look to have grown since then.”

“Thanks.”

“We also do a lot of miscommunication as teenagers too. You have no idea if she feels the same way until you ask.”

“I don’t know…”

“I really think you should try it! Trust me, you don’t want to look back at this 20 years from now and wonder ‘what if’.”

“That’s what people keep telling me.”

“I think what you need is a millionaire wingman.” The gentleman stood up and took Dash by the hand. “Come on, I’ll take you to my mansion and I’ll dress you up for a confidence boost.”

“Uh, I don’t know. A lonely rich old man happily letting a young middle class athlete into his home to give him free stuff looks kinda fishy. I mean, we avoided proper introductions for over 15 dialogue tags.”

“Oh, come now, friend, you can trust me; I have a British accent!”

“Can’t argue with that. I guess it’s better than moping around here feeling sorry for myself.” Dash stood up with his chest out and his hand in the other man’s. “Alright, let’s go!”

“Dash,” Danny scooted in beside the guys with breaking news from his phone. “I didn’t find anyone here who wrote the card, but I found this cute gif of baby kittens slapping each other over a cat toy! Come look…” he trailed off after absorbing the appearance of the old gentleman for a few seconds. Then they both grimaced at each other with dark circles under their eyes and dramatic dimmed lighting right where they were standing.

“ _Daniel…”_ The man pronounced.

 _“Vlad…”_ Danny revealed.

“Fancy meeting you here. What have you been up to?”

“Developing as a character with my good group of friends and having a progressive life. How about you?”

“Being rich and a better contribution to society than your failure of a father, you know,  the usual.”

They stared down at each other while everyone wondered how the room got so dark. Dash broke the tension by asking, “So you two know each other?”

“I hate _him_ and everyone who’s friends with him,” Vlad said.

“I’d say the same if he had any friends I could hate.”

“Jokes on you, Daniel. I just got a new friend _today_.” He gestured towards Dash’s direction.

“Well, I like to think that air is everyone’s friend.”

Vlad was confused until he looked beside him and saw that Dash was making a sad attempt to dip. He caught Dash’s arm before he could sneak away and yanked him back to show him to Danny. “I meant _him_. His name is—”

“ _Dash?_ ”

“--what is your name actually?”

Dash pointed at Danny and mumbled, “What he said….”

“You mean he knows your name...He knows you.”

“He’s _my_ friend.” Danny chimed in.

“ _Friend?_ You mean _you’re_ friends with this bastard neanderthal?!”

“Dash, what are you doing with this circumsized Dickfuck?!”

Dash stood in silence, not sure how to approach the situation he found himself in. He looked around the Nasty Burger and saw many eyes on him, waiting for his reply. He looked to his friend Kwan, sitting at the booth of the restaurant as he took a deep breath to get ready to say something.

“AND IT WAS THEN DASH KNEW HE FUCKED UP!”

* * *

 

The gang rode in Vlad's car with Dash in the back as he listened to Vlad's tirade on how much he hated Danny.

“--and I hate him with _everything_ that I am. I hate him to the core of my being. I hate _him_ , I hate everything he _likes_ , I hate his dreams and ambitions, and I hate how much I hate him. There is _nothing_ on this earth that could make me happier than seeing him die and perish in a house fire crafted by me, and the fire has to be create in the shape of a swastika. Like, I want to go inside a helicopter and when look down, I’ll see that fire shaped as a swastika as it burns his house down with him in it. There is nothing in this _galaxy_ that can make me happier.”

“Uhm—”

“ _Nothing._ ” After an awkward pause, Vlad realized what he said. “Oh dear. He’s your friend, isn’t he? I’m so sorry.”

“It’s chill. I can’t control who you like.”

“You must be a very patient boy to be able to befriend that _TROGLODYTE_! I admire that in you.”

Dash blushed and waved him off while saying, “Oh, stop it.”

“I’m right here,” Danny chimed in on the front passenger seat.

“No one asked you to put your ass in my car. You think you get gossip privileges just because you exist?”

“It’s not like I _want_ to come to your house. I just didn't want my good friend Dash to be stuck in the middle of nowhere with a desperate asshole who hasn’t had his testicals emptied out since the Summer of ‘54. You’d probably cum powder just by seeing him sneeze.”

“By the way,” He looked into the rearview mirror to see the other partners of the party. “I know the Princess of Darkness and Steve Urkel over there, but who’s that other guy in the back?”

Dash said, “That’s my O.G BFF, Kwan. He was the first and only loyal friend I had since we were Freshman, and he still holds that title to this day.”

That same friend turned to Danny and said, “After proper lubrication, Dash would really appreciate it if he could put his penis inside your anal canal and then—” before Dash unbuckled his seatbelt to try and hit Kwan multiple times.

“Well, it’s a pleasure to meet you, Kwan. I hope I can make your acquaintance. Oh, by the way,” he looked at Danny in his rearview mirror. “Fuckface Mcgee, before either of us forget, you should notify your parents of your whereabouts for this evening. Call them.”

“Good idea. I don’t want my sister to have a seizure when I’m out 2 minutes past curfew.” Danny pulled out his phone to call his home. After 3 rings, Jazz picked up the phone.

“Hello?”

“Hey, fam. I’m going over to Uncle Vlad’s house tonight. Is that alright?”

“Sure. I’ll let mom and dad know.”

“What’s that, dad? You’re too busy mashing pissers with mom to give a shit?”

“What?”

“Oh man, the epic poundage you're giving off to mom should be recorded on the Richter Scale. One can feel the vibrations from Kentucky.”

“Is Vlad near by or something?”

“Yes.”

Jazz got off the phone to call out to her mom. “Mom, can you make sexual sounds for Danny? Vlad’s by the phone!”

“Oh, of course!” Maddie came close to the receiver and made passionate sex sounds that made bisexuals confused.

“What was that, dad? You want me to turn up the volume loud enough for Vlad to hear the fucking fiesta you're celebrating in mom’s taco? I got you you kinky bastard!” He put the volume on speaker before asking, “You hear that Vlad?”

Vlad mumbled that he hears it.

“He hears it! Be careful not to split mom in half from the sheer might of your long thick cock like last time! See you later!” Danny hung up and sighed happily. “It feels good to be a living breathing reminder that my mom never fucked you.”

“I hope a group of orphans trained in ninjutsu kill your children.”

“You got 10 more years to live.”

They made it to Vlad’s mansion. I forgot most of the rooms, but I remember there was a sports room of some sort and a lab for ghost stuff. All I know is that he was rich and tried to fill in the emptiness in his heart with a big house and expensive material possessions.

Everyone exited the car, and everyone except Sam was very impressed with the architectural design.

“Why did you get a mansion in the woods?” Sam asked.

While Vlad covered a finger poking out of the soil with dirt using his foot, saying, “The sunsets are to _die_ for… Now come along.” Everyone walked inside looking into the amazing scenery of the mansion. I wish I can describe it to you in more detail, but I really don’t remember so just use your imagination for this one. “Dash and I will be in my dressing chamber. The rest of you can have fun in the mansion while you wait. Play in the gaming room, cook in the kitchen, play a round of How’s-Your-Father in the laboratory, I don’t give a shit.” He grabbed Dash by the arm and pulled him along, leading him to his chambers.

Danny followed right beside them, holding Dash’s arm as well.

“I swear to fuck if this is some sick, twisted cross-generational harem, I’m leaving,” Sam mumbled behind them.

Dash felt like a current for their hated as they started down at each other with death proclaimed glares.

“Piss off, Daniel. He's mine.”

“No way! Dash is _my_ friend and I refuse to let him be influenced by your _evil_ ….”

“Some friend you are. You don't even know why Dash is here do you?”

“Not a clue, but I'm certain it's not a just reason.”

“But it's for the justest of reasons. Dash here—”

“I don't need to hear it from you, fruitloop. My friend has a _mouth_.” He looked at Dash with wide, sparkling, innocent eyes waiting for him to admit his purpose in this house.

An answer Dash want ready to give. “About that...I think I want to be alone with Mr. Vlad for this one, Danny.”

As Vlad stuck out his tongue, Danny’s face resembled a kick puppy about to be thrown into a volcano for reasons he didn't understand. “But why? Don't you trust me more?”

“I-I do! Really, just—”

“Just what?”

Dash was ashamed of himself for still not having the strength to tell Danny how he felt, but it was a feeling he couldn't control. “I…I really can't say right now. Maybe one day I can but...I'm sorry, Danny.”

It was then Danny realized that there was a layer to Dash he hasn't explored yet, and there was a deeper character to him besides your average jock bully. “Is something wrong?”

Instead of answering, Dash shrugged his shoulder off of Danny's grip and kept walking with the smug Vlad.

Danny stood there sad and helpless wondering what could possibly have Dash thinking he could trust that shit strain before him. “Gee, I really wish he would te—”

 _“You wish_ **_WHAT_ ** _?!”_

Danny jumped from surprise as Desiree randomly appeared from behind him. “SHIT ON A STICK!!!!”

“I HEARD **_WISH_ **!”

“What the _hell?!_ I thought I banished your Aladdin ass to the Shadow Realm!” But then Danny thought about it and realized he forgot to empty his thermostat before he got there.

Desiree floated away with her hands wiggling in the air singing, “Weeeeeeee~”

“GET BACK HERE YOU CRAZY SPAZ!” Danny activated his magical boy powered and ran after her while waving his thermostat in the air.

* * *

 

Tucker, Sam, and Kwan stood alone in the mansions atrium wondering what to do next.

“So what now?” Tucker asked.

Kwan suggested, “Do you want to start an international Playboy party with an anime superhero theme?”

Danny's friends shrugged. “Something to do.”

* * *

 

His closet was filled to the brim with the most exquisite attire. From business suites to a casual shirts for the park, this man was ready to be fabulous for any occasion. It was as wide as a room and tall enough to fit in a Titan. About 99% of it he doesn't wear anyway, but it was nice to have things, you know? Vlad went right to business by picking some clothes off their hangers to get started. “Now, before we begin, who's this lucky damsel we're going to woo? Her ethnic background is a very important thing to consider.”

Dash frowned and looked at his shoes in shame. “I'm sorry, Vlad. I wasn't fully honest with you.”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean, about the person I like...I had no idea you hated them. I wish I'd known sooner. With that being said, I don't want you to help me for the sake of a person you hate. I don't think that's fair too you.”

“Now why on earth would you think I'll hate your future girlfriend? The only things I hate more than anything is Daniel and anything related to Daniel. And you seem like a gentleman that knows a keeper when you see one.” Dash refused to look up as he waited for Vlad too out two and two together. “Wait a tick and a half….” He thought about it for a moment, and after realizing, he took a step closer to Dash. “....Daniel?”

Dash nodded.

“Daniel Fenton?”

Dash nodded again.

While he had more questions and reactions he should have had as an old man with outdated standards, the only concern on his mind was, “.... _Why?_ ”

“Look, I was just a 90’s cliche in a kid’s show and then this chick wrote a fanfiction about me and it just happened! Besides, he’s _cute._ There’s a picture of him in the dictionary when you look up ‘twink’!” He pulled out a dictionary and showed him the evidence. An engraving of Danny’s face was near the word ‘Twink’ in the book, as Dash promised. “He was biogenetically engineered to create awkward boners for boys my age!”

Vlad nodded to that. “He does fit the part for a bottom in a gay porn, I will admit.”

“How would _you_ know?”

Vlad sighed and crossed his arms before saying, “Alright, fine. As much as I **_HATE HIM_ ** , I think I can understand where your little puppy crush is coming from. ”

“You mean you’ll still help me?”

“Why of course! In this homophobic era, once we shift Daniel’s mentality on his sexual preferences, he’ll emotionally crumble into dust. Then he’ll spend the rest of his life running from the disgust he feels for himself by being overly sexual and subconsciously keeping himself in the homosexual standard box in a sorry attempt at posing a false sense of confidence in who he is. He’ll _never_ be an astronaut by then!” [this is a psychological evaluation I pulled out of my ass don't take seriously]

“Oh, I'd hate for our relationship to lead to that. I'm looking for the both of us to be happy in the future, not just me—”

“Besides, I know perfectly well how it feels to love someone and have them snatched away from you by some halogen buffoon, man or woman.”

“He doesn’t have a girlfriend yet actually. And if he ends up with Sam, I can totally understand that; they admittedly make a cute couple and they seem very happy together—”

“So, to make Daniel’s journey to come to terms with his sexuality more confusing and prevent you from making the same mistakes I’ve made, I will help you win Daniel’s heart.”

“Well I don't want to be in a romantic and/or sexual relationship with him if it makes him uncomfortable. It's not fair to ask him to respect my sexuality and I don't do the same for him—”

“Don't be such a Straight Gay, Dash. Now come!” Vlad fabulously walked to the fitting room within his dressing chambers. “We have much to do!”


End file.
